Shut Up, I`m Trying to Scream
by Neptune1
Summary: Roadtrip!


Nope, none of these characters are mine, they were all created by the great Douglas Adams in the Hitchiker`s Guide to the Galaxy 5-book trilogy. It would be quite helpful if you have read at least one of them. This would be taking place somewhere between The Hitchhiker`s Guide to the Galaxy and Life, the Universe and Everything. I think. Enjoy.  
  
Shut Up, I'm Trying to Scream  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Arthur Dent was not confused.  
Seeing as he was sitting next to Ford Prefect at the moment, he was wondering why this was not so.   
He knew he was on the ship The Heart of Gold. He knew he was in one piece. He knew that the only immediate danger he was in was trying to cope without his daily tea. And he knew that it all meant some terrible adventure was about to stare him in the face (and rather smugly at that). Ah! He had forgotten something.  
"Where`s Trillian?" he asked both of Zaphod Beeblebrox`s heads at once. Now here was something that would never result in a straight answer!  
"Oh, she got mad or something, I guess I was just too much of a groovy guy for her to take," his left head answered with a flighty chase-the-butterfly look in its eyes. The right one was about to contradict it, but then decided that flighty was the thing to be.  
"Yeah, you know how it is with humans," he added after a thoughtless pause.  
"I do?"  
"You should, Monkeyman, seeing as you are one."  
"That doesn`t help, believe me."  
"We need to fuel up." This last comment came from Ford, who was hoping beyond hope that Eddy the Computer Console would not respond to this bit of information. Whatever was beyond hope certainly was certainly beyond him.  
"Hi! What was that? Refuel? Oh, swell! I shall enjoy finding the nearest station immensely, I thank you for the honor of-" The chipper little voice was muffled suddenly.   
"Mini Miraculous Fix-It-Rite, a new kind of duct-tape I picked up at Grande Central Cyber-Station," Marvin explained from his dim corner-like refuge, "when you told me to go be useful. As if I`ve ever truly been in that state! it happens to work on computer chips." With that, he slunk as low as his rusted metallic spine could possibly go, resolving to try being smug for awhile later.  
Ford found the coordinates of the nearest planet, and the trip was blissfully devoid of Eddy`s ecstatic comments.  
  
A couple light-years later, Ford`s face almost twisted into an unrelaxed position. This was highly noticeable.  
"Ford, don`t tell me you`ve gotten us lost in some slum-spiral!" Zaphod peered at the screen. The black dullness of space peered back.  
Arthur coughed out a feeble laugh. Lost? He`d be lost anywhere but Earth. And, seeing as Earth was in an inaccessible state of nonexistence, lost was old news to Arthur. He merely attempted to scowl ferociously, ending up peering at Ford as if the Amazon forest had just fallen slightly to the left of him.  
"Alright, alright, I might`ve taken a slight detour. But hey, there`s a planet right there, chill!" Ford pointed to the screen. A planet had suddenly appeared there. And it was suddenly appearing closer every minute.  
  
Chapter 2  
  
Arthur opened one eye. Where was the crash? Where was the wreck? Where was the bloody carnage of his friends? After a few more muddled questions, he realized they were floating just above the surface of the planet. From the joyously pulsating light near Eddy`s speakers, he guessed that Eddy had told the auto-pilot to turn on the auto-safety.  
Arthur looked out the window. There before his eyes was the most beautiful planet he`d ever seen.  
The grass was green, the air was wreathed in rainbows and sun rays, and the distant mountains were immense and breathtaking. Not to mention the unicorns, elves, shining knights and such frolicking about. He ran over to the unconscious Ford Prefect shape slumped over the control panel.  
"Ford! Ford, wake up, look at this!"  
"Whaa...for Zarquon`s sake, Arthur-no, Arthurs-stop shaking me!" Ford immediately put on a brave face in case he had been injured, then switched to casual nonchalance upon discovering he was not.  
"Look! Outside, isn`t it lovely?" Arthur gave a Vanna White gesture towards the window.  
"Say, yeah, I could get rich swindling tourists here. Zaphod, come look at my new theme park!"  
Zaphod Beeblebrox had decided he liked being unconscious. It didn`t require thought, sanity, or patience. Therefor, he was rather annoyed at struggling to regain these talents.  
"Theme park? Scenery? What are you metalheads going on about?" Then one of his heads squinted at the scene. Horror crept across his features, and his second head couldn`t even bear to look.  
"Zequith the twelfth, no, it can`t be....We gotta vamoose. NOW." Never had Zaphod been so serious.  
"What`s the matter? It`s almost relaxing!" soothed Arthur, "and here comes a charming little Elf to greet us."   
The smiling Elf skittered to the door and amiably started to make a very large dent in it with both fists.  
"Good morning-KILL-lovely day-DIE-Welcome to-DESTROY-Fantasy Vacation-ANNIHILATE!" the small green creature burbled with a vengeance.  
Zaphod quickly ran to the keyboard, typing in a frantic sequence of escape.  
"This is what happens when they try to build anything beyond drink machines and complaint offices," he muttered.  
"I do believe that unicorn looks hungry," Ford muttered nervously.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
  
The sky was too blue. Staloris the Misbegot Taskbot was sure of this. In fact, the creatures were too cheery, the grass was so green it was overdramatic, and that crashed ship over there was too well-polished. Staloris paused in her grouchy musings to force herself to look closely at that sickening metallic gleam. That certainly hadn`t been there yesterday. Oh, good, at least the gleebot creatures were starting to attack it. Stally took a moment to skim through her memory bank`s rulebook guidelines.  
"All unidentified crafts should be greeted warmly. All creatures and taskbots should be happy, helpful and joy-" Stally stopped this recitation with a sharp click. Helpful, ha! Joyous even! How was one expected to be either of those things when one was a sarcastic satanic pessimist trapped in the body of a titanium elf?  
This theme park had been created by the Sirius Cybernetica Corporation, who had once tried to built a new and improved branch of complaints offices on the planet Zequith the Twelfth. (no relation to Zequith 12.) The inhabitants of this planet, who were simply a couple of little yellow men famous for making drunk decisions, had insisted that their planet deserved better.   
"Why not a theme park?" they said. "How about something cute and expensive?"   
After a good bit of contract debates concerning song copyrights and tasty food poisons, it was agreed. The Sirius Cybernetica Corporation was to build a fantasy theme park with all sorts of cuddly robots and 3D backdrops. It was a fantasy land no tourist could resist. It was guaranteed "fun, safe and expensive."   
A few weeks after the flow of visitors had become a natural occurrence, things started to go wrong. The "gleebot" creatures had decided it was oh-so-joyful to attack the visitors, and to rip them into cheerful bits of flesh. The helpful taskbots decided it was just delightful to lead those seeking the restrooms to cliff edges and areas still under construction. The little yellow men fled in drunken panic, the flow of visitors stopped as entries in the Guide turned negative, and the robots continued to be joyful and ruthless.  
Hence, Staloris didn`t quite understand how these travelers could be stupid enough to crash here.   
  
Chapter 4  
  
"Zaphod, what the zark is going on?! Why is that elf being so murderously cheerful?" Arthur clutched the edge of his nightgown, whimpering to a tune of horror.  
"Shut up, I`m trying to scream!"  
"That robot over there looks helpful, in a Marvinish sort of way," Ford commented.  
"That`s just because I have less hope than they do of ever getting to mutilate flesh again." something outside noted dryly, "You see, that would mean we would be happy again, and terror and woe to he who lets his steel servants have fun."  
Marvin`s corner stirred. It`s arguable whether or not Marvin himself stirred, he most likely just upset the dustbunnies nearest him.  
"I think," Marvin creaked with surprise, "this might actually be someone who comes close to achieving coherent thought.  
"Oh, by the way, shall I go devise some ingenious scheme to get your unworthy organic selves out of this mess, or shall I continue to rust in disuse?"   
"That ingenious plan would be a good idea," suggested Ford.  
If Marvin hadn`t learned long ago how pointless sighing was, he most certainly would have let out a lengthy one just then. He made the rest of the crew aware of this fact.  
The elated elf burst through the door at that moment. Fangs were slowly emerging from his jaws with a whirring noise. Marvin dragged himself over to this creature with as much contemptible slowness as he could muster and tapped it on the shoulder. They stepped outside and were joined by Staloris for a brief binary code chitchat.  
Stally raised one eyebrow towards Marvin. She would have winked or nodded, but that might have made that shiny ship catch the light in a beautific gleam. They both tapped the elf on each shoulder simultaneously, uttering a grotesquely delightful password. The elf paused suddenly as if pondering some very important question.  
Stally turned her head towards the bewildered beings at an angle only owls usually manage. "If it weren`t for your enlightened friend here, I would leave you all to your doom in seconds. Just so you know." With that, she unhinged her elbow and poured fluid from it into the ship`s fuel tank, looking very much like a teakettle while doing so.  
"It would be well-advised to get out of here before the elf comes back into animation. Of course, it would have been a better idea to use the elf`s motion fluid to power the ship," Marvin muttered.  
"Oh dear," Staloris said, "why didn`t I think of that?" And with that, she froze into a rather rusted and unmajestic pose.  
Marvin shook his head. "And here I thought her logic gears were on the right track."  
"Yeah, well, we`re about to make tracks. All aboard!" Zaphod jabbed at the control panel with renewed vigor.  
The Heart of Gold gave a puff and a snort, then blasted clear from any and all carnival carnage.  
"Can we go somewhere peaceful and dull now?"  
"Don`t whine, teabrain, there`s never dullness while Zaphod Beeblebrox is here!"  
"Shush, an adventure might hear you."  
  
Comments/constructive critisism/helpful bursts of outrage would be appreciated.^_^ (shinysmurf@smurfs.com)  



End file.
